So, I had this great idea for a page: Dueling Antons. Two columns. On one side, Susan Anton, "Actress." On the other, Anton LaVey, "Satanist." I was going to have pictures of them, their vital statistics, comparisons of their activities and careers- I even thought I'd find a MIDI file of "Dueling Banjos" for background music. I thought it was a great idea.
However, I ran into a snag- the terrible lack of Anton photos on the Internet. Alta Vista only had about thirty references to Anton LaVey -half with his name spelled "LeVay"- and not one of them had a picture of him. I found this one entirely by accident:
I stole it from Peter Gilstrap's bad records page. That's gone now.
I thought I'd have better luck with Susan Anton. Alta Vista had about ninety references to her- that's right, six times as many references as Anton LaVey- but not one page had a picture of her. I was stuck- how could I make a "Dueling Antons" page without pictures of the Antons?
Then I thought of a great solution- If I couldn't get a picture of Susan Anton somewhere else, I'd DRAW ONE MYSELF! I do have some artistic talent (not that you could tell by looking at this page). The result:
That's when I gave up.
Well, the dark minions of the Internet seem to have been working
overtime - or Alta Vista just got much better at indexing stuff.
There are now about two hundred listings for Anton LaVey - some
with pictures he probably wouldn't mind nearly as much as that
one with the goofy checked sport coat - like this one, for example:
See - he's got a SNAKE in this one - that's much
scarier than a Casio keyboard!
However, the dark minions of Susan Anton are still failing miserably at getting a picture of her on the Internet somewhere. But I can't let the page become unbalanced, so I've elected She-Ra, Princess of Power, as Susan Anton's stand-in.
You remember She-Ra, right? He-Man for girls?
What's with the goofy winged hairband with the built-in bindi?
At least they didn't give her He-Man's dopey haircut...
Hey- ANOTHER UPDATE!
On December 10, 1996, I received this email:
From: Amarillo Recs <firstname.lastname@example.org>
I'm fairly certain that Susan Anton will lose the battle, but nonetheless, check out:
<dead link was here>
and for a sound sample of Anton LaVey's "Hello Central", try:
<dead link was here>
Vy @ Amarillo Records
Great- someone associated with Anton LaVey knows I'm making fun of him... I'll probably end up turning into a newt. However, the balance of power on this page has now heavily shifted in his favor. Maybe he'll spare me- or at least turn me into a really cool newt...
IT'S UPDATE TIME!!
I found two, two, TWO pictures of Susan Anton!
Susan working on her putts. At least, the page I stole it from said it was Susan Anton. It could be any blond with a bad golf swing.
According to email@example.com, Anton LaVey is not a "Devil Woshiper," but is in fact a "Satanist." To quote Mr. Goat:
Hello. I'd like to point out that Anton LaVey is NOT a devil woshiper, he is a Satanist. They are two completely different things. Please Correct this error. Thank you.
Anton LaVey vs. Anton
Anton Fig vs. a Fig Newton
Fig Newton vs. Juice Newton
Juice Newton vs. Isaac Newton
Isaac Newton vs. Isaac Hayes
Isaac Hayes vs. Rutherford B. Hayes
Rutherford B Hayes vs. Paul Rutherford
Paul Rutherford vs. Paul Simon
Paul Simon vs. Simon Templar
Simon Templar vs. The Knights Templar
The Knights Templar vs. Gladys Knight
Gladys Knight vs. Gladys Ormphby
(thanks to John Kean for Paul Rutherford - Gladys Ormphby)
Gladys Ormphby vs Gladys Kravitz
(Thanks to Theodore Fisher for Gladys Kravitz)
Gladys Kravitz vs. Lenny Kravitz
Lenny Kravitz vs. Lenny Kowsnoski
Lenny Kowsnoski vs. Lennie Small
Lennie Small vs. The Cast of Small Wonder
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Anton LaVey died on October 29, 1997, after a long illness. I had no idea this had happened until someone emailed me to ask that I take down the page to show respect for the dead. Well, I understand his concern, but I thought about it and decided to leave the page up- after all, the page should be more offensive to the living people mentioned, since they can actually read the thing.
July 18, 1999 -Anton is still dead.
July 21, 2000
This page is reformatted, but the content is the same. It's sort of like when they slap a new cover on a video and expect you to buy it again.
July 21, 2000
Same as above. Someday, maybe I'll do something new...
July 22, 2001
See the sidebar for brand spanking new AvA controversy, and read a concise explanation of satanist beliefs written by "Bob Booty," who may or may not also be known as "Robin of Bagshot."
August 1, 2001
What was Anton's favorite restaurant? According to some guy on epinions, it was Olive Garden! And if you can't trust a total stranger posting on a public forum, who can you trust???
Actual Longish Susan Update!
April 5, 2002
Someone sent me a link to The Official Susan Anton Page, which features these two things:
First we have this picture. Doesn't Susan know how to work a chair? And when did she have her foot removed? Actually, the secret amputation doesn't worry me as much as the next item:
That's right: not Susan Anton live - Susan Anton "live." It's like she's alive, but she isn't! SUSAN ANTON HAS JOINED THE UNDEAD!
Somehow, I know LaVey is behind it.
Informative Susan Update!
August 23, 2002
I just found out why it was so hard to find pictures of Susan Anton. Carl Silva writes:
Way back in 1988, she won a court injunction barring any use of her image, likeness etc. So did Victoria Principal for that matter. Back then, they actually thought it would be successful.
Thanks, Carl! For your assistance, I shall reward you with these pictures:
TAKE THAT, ineffective lawsuit!